I Don't Know How It Started. But In My Head, It Never Stops

I hate looking down at my wrist and seeing the cuts. It makes me mad because it's reminding me that I broke a promise to people.
~

For the first time in months, I felt together. Sharp. In hurting myself, I had at last found a way to release the pressure.

But it was more than that. I was now different. I felt different. I’d discovered a way to control my feelings. Just because self-mutilation wasn’t deemed an acceptable coping mechanism didn’t mean I was going to stop doing it.

~
I know that I have to stop. I know that I have to find help. I feel bad for doing it. But let's look at the bright side, I'm not drinking, or doing drugs. I'm completely sober.
There is someone in my life right now, is stuck in between everything (or so he says) and he hates it. He resorts to drugs to get rid of the feeling. He shouldn't do that. I've told him multiple times that I was there for him.
<3

They Say I Wouldn't Last A Day In The Real World; I Say You Wouldn't Last A Day In Mine

So much has happened since I talked to you. It has been about 5 days, but alot has happened in those 5 days. Too many things make me regret my choices. But there are some things that I know that I don't regret.

~Happy Valentine's Day. <33 I hope that I have someone to spend today with. Hopefully the guy I like. :) I guess I'll see what happens.

I have lunch next, and I get to see the guy that I like. Hopefully I sit by him. And hopefully he asks me out. That'd be nice, wouldn't it? I would be happy. And I know that you shouldn't base your happiness off of a person, but when that person means so much to you, then you base your emotions off them. Although the feelings that I'm feeling, some are good, and some are bad. I have something for you guys to read.

~

How many cuts could I count? How many could I place in time and context? I had to admit that I couldn’t remember the occasion of almost any of them, their catalysts, whether epic or mundane, completely obscured by time. So many moments of supposedly unendurable pain, now utterly forgotten. You start to think, Maybe I don’t need this anymore. Maybe I never did.
I stopped cutting because I always could have stopped cutting; that’s the plain and inelegant truth. No matter how compelling the urge, the act itself was always a choice. I had no power over the urge. I had no power over the flood tide of emotions that drove me to that brink, but I had the power to decide whether or not to step over. Eventually I decided not to.
Stopping, however, was not at all the same thing as ending the desire. Even now, I still sometimes ache with a fierce, organic need for cutting’s seductive, minimalist simplicity. I expect that I will always be the kind of person who is too much aware of the boundlessness of chaos; it’s like having an unfortunate sixth sense, alive to the teeming, invisible undercurrents of anarchy streaming past us as every moment. I don’t say it makes me stronger, or more interesting, or gives me character; it’s just a part of my fabric of self.

~

There you go. What do you think? That pretty much describes what I'm feeling like. And I know that cutting is not how someone should get rid of the feelings that their feeling, but I still do it. I still cut myself, and I still hurt people. And I feel so bad for doing it, so why do I do it?

Short & Sweet

So today is definatley a new day. It's a Friday! And I have a dance to go to on Saturday. On Sunday I have a date. I'm definatly getting better at keeping my "cool."  Anyway, sorry for the short blog. I loveyou guys. <3

She Broke Your Throat & Cut Your Hair

You think that losing it would make me feel better. I wouldn't feel so cooped up in it all. But I do. The 2 songs that I've been listening to lately are {It Gets Better-Todrick Hall} & {Someday-Rob Thomas} They remnd me to keep my head up. I know that the ones I trust don't judge me for my scars, my open wounds, and everything that I've put them through. I would love to start everything over. I would love to apologize to everyone. To apologize for the tears I've shed, for the wounds I've created, for.. everything. Would everything be better if I just fell asleep and didn't wake up? Somedays I think that maybe that's what I need to do. But then I think about Alexis, Abby, Ben, Chris, Sam, Amber, Bailey, and Amy. If I left them, they would lose something; something that they say means so much to them. I just want to let them know that I love them. With all my heart. I can't ever think about hurting them that much.
~They say that they wish that they could take away all my pain. That they would jsut grab it and take it from me, like the razors. But they can't. And even if they could, I wouldn't want anyone to feel this. Not even the people that I hate. If someone was feeling this then I would apologize for everything. These feelings hurt so badly and maybe that's what life is all about right? I wish that I could take everyone's pain. I would bottle it up, and take the pain for them. I would. I wouldn't care if it killed me, because then they wouldn't have to feel the pain anymore.
~Therefore everything in life is complicated. And for those who are reading this, then I want them to know that I thank you. For reading everything and sticking by me. And I want you to know that.... I love you. <3 I'm always here if you need someone to talk to.

Slit My Wrist

I know that I said I would never do it again. But when you lose something so dear to you, that you can't think of anything else to do... You kinda have no choice. But as for them, they're happy. So gosh dang happy that they are smiling. They say they regret losing me.. Do they really?
~So, you know those songs that remind you so much of that one person? Yeah, well it seems almost like they haunt me. I listen to them, and think of him while I'm singing them. But when I see him, and I look into his blue eyes, it's so hard to speek. I get tongue tied. I don't know what to say. I won't admit that I'm in love with him. I won't because I want him to know that I will never let go. Not that I'm in love with him. He means alot to me, and if I lost him.. I don't know what I'd do.
~Anyway, I think that since I haven't written in awhile, I don't want to blow this blog up because I don't know how to shut my mouth.
I guess this is goodbye for now.